I like to think there is nothing wrong with me. I like to think that so much, that sometimes I find genuine compliments insulting. Compliments like, “You’ve gotten so good at that!” Or. “You seem much better.” The assumption being, that while things are good NOW, I used to be flawed. I used to be the opposite of good. I used to be BAD.
I’m laughing at myself. But in the past two weeks I have had four separate friends who I hadn’t been in touch with for a couple of months, all comment on how much more confident and positive I seem. And for a moment, I bristle up inside and pout, “And what, I was a pathetic wet blanket before?!” Um . . . yes? I didn’t feel necessarily unhappy, but my friends are happy for me, because they have watched me struggle. They’re happy to see me, well . . . happy. And they’re right, now I feel lighter. I feel better.
It’s easy to think that this is because some circumstances have started going my way. But the feeling started before that. I noticed it first with my birthday and this blog, and making a decision to ask what it would look like to try and seek joy. It got clearer when I started doing career coaching with Creative Seed, and I took sometime to define the intentions in my life that give me purpose and the dreams that are satisfying for me to dream. The confidence grew through Lent, through finding something to be thankful about each day and engaging that thanks enough to write about it. To create and share. Now, through The Artist’s Way group I feel permission to stop being so hard on myself and to say “Yes” more. I have done a lot of acting work these past four months, but I feel like the real work that I have been doing, is learning to believe in my value.
I am thankful that my friends noticed. My ego feels a little wounded to realize that I haven’t been a perfect companion these past couple of years, but now I have all these band aids that I can administer to myself, and know it’s not only okay, it’s really good.
In other news: The Cherry Blossoms are already falling
What a nice follow up to our convo yesterday, Positive Patty!
So great to hear this from you. I’ve been on a similar journey this year and i too feel lighter. May it continue for both of us.
How liberating! The journey continues.